You May Drink Too Much If You…

If you’re like me, then you probably like to party. And, if you’re really, really like me, then you really, really like to party. Brahs like to party! It’s a fact of life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, every now and then, I find myself pondering over the ever-so-elusive and perplexing question of whether or not I might be partying and drinking just a little too much. And, drinking too much can necessarily mean one of two things. I’m either drinking too frequently, or I’m drinking too much on one particular occasion. Hell, it’s usually a combination of the two!

But, it never hurts to slow down a little bit for a week here or a month there in order to give yourself the chance to clearly and accurately reflect on what the hell you’ve been doing lately. So, here are a few indicators or warning signs that you may want to try to pay attention to and recognize to help you know when it may be time to scale it back a bit:

1. You have just as many beer bottles in your shower as you do shower products. You go to grab the Dove men’s face scrub and mistakenly end up with an empty Bud Light.

2. While browsing your Twitter profile, you discover a random, mysterious tweet or pic from a few weeks ago, and you have absolutely no recollection of tweeting it.

3. When purchasing alcohol, one of the most significant factors that you take into consideration in making your purchase is the price per unit. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re okay. You’re probably not drinking too much.

4. Anytime someone mentions Charlie Sheen or you see a Two And A Half Men rerun, you want to start drinking.

5. You don’t leave your apartment without grabbing your wallet, phone, keys, and flask.

6. You never have to request an additional drink at the bar. The bartender simply knows that you’ll signal him or her when you’re concluding your evening.

7. You consider the most important aspect of automotive maintenance to be consistently ensuring that your vehicle’s brake lights, turn signals, and headlights are in proper, working order so that you can avoid any unnecessary and frivolous contact with members of law enforcement.

8. You’ve eaten Jack In The Box 3 or more times within a single week’s time period.

9.  Whenever you take out the trash, your neighbors are instantly alerted to the fact by all of the clanging and banging of the empty bottles.

10. Quiet “off nights” at home consist of ripping through an 18-pack while publicly bashing feminists on Twitter.

How To Politely Inform Another Brah That His Girl Is Cheating On Him

Regrettably, I used to hang out in Denton, Texas quite a bit. So, for awhile, it was quite a common occurrence that I’d meet random girls who went to UNT and inevitably be duped into hanging out with them at some point or another. Now, if you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting a girl from UNT, let me give you a heads up. Girls from UNT are granola-eating, gluten-free, hipster, vegans who sit around their shitty lofts all day painting impressionistic portraits of Zooey Deschanel while listening to the shittiest music imaginable. They’re awful. Just awful. But, some of them are kind of hot.

One night, the girl who I was dating at the time was set to get married that very same night to some dude (not me), so I decided to head up to Denton with some of my friends to take my mind off of what a wretched, little slut she was. We hit the club and, before I knew it, I was absolutely hammered and hanging out with this smoking hot UNT girl. This was her. She wanted me to go home with her to “hang out” some more and, evidently my friends thought that this was a good idea, because they convinced me to go with her.

But, once we got back to her place, all that I was really interested in was drinking more until I passed out, which is exactly what I did. It’s not that I wasn’t into her. I was just too preoccupied with drinking the night away, and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to determine whether or not I wanted to smash or pass her just yet. So, I woke up the next morning only to realize that, not only did she have a boyfriend, but she lived with the poor bastard! Of course, she had some weak, worn-out excuse about how the guy was only her roommate, but I certainly knew better.

Later that day, after meeting back up with them, my friends asked me what had ended up happening with my little scene queen, and I told them about the boyfriend. That’s when one of my friends educated me on the proper and polite way to inform another brah, who is a complete and total stranger, that his girl is cheating on him or being unfaithful. He asked me if I had left a coin for the boyfriend. Puzzled and bewildered, I answered in the negative and inquired about what exactly he meant. My very wise friend told me that it’s customary brah code to leave a penny, dime, quarter, or whatever coin that you have, underneath the shaving can of any guy whose girlfriend you just accidentally banged.

Needless to say, I was simply in awe of this technique. It’s simple, discreet, delicate, and effective. It avoids any unnecessary confrontation, awkwardness, or resentment, but it still gets the message across. I almost wanted to call the girl back up for another night just so I could fulfill my duty to the boyfriend and pay my respects. I never did. But, I will now and forever know what it means if, on that one fateful day, I should go to shave and find a coin underneath my can of shaving cream. And, so will you. You got this brah!

Jagermeister Releases Its New Jager Spice

When I first heard that Jagermeister had released a new flavor of Jager, I don’t think that I could have been any more excited than if someone had told me that a new type of girl with two vaginas had just been discovered. I was pumped, to say the least. So, you bet your sweet ass that I immediately dropped everything that I was doing and hightailed it directly up to the nearest liquor store so that I could partake in this new, exquisite joy of life.

Now, if you’re like me, you’re a monument to the ideal notion of a true brah, and you love Jager. Who the hell cares if the taste of black licorice is pleasing or not? I’d drink Jager as a shot. I’d drink Jager at 10:00am, on the dot. I’d drink it all alone. And, if I drank it with my friends and they asked for some, I’d require that they get their own. Jager simply rules balls! So, let’s take a closer look at the new Jager Spice and feel the burn as it raises all of our blood alcohol concentrations to an unprecedented level.

First of all, Jager touts it’s new Spice as a cinnamon and vanilla blend, which it describes as a “kinder, gentler Jager.” Now, when I first heard this, I thought to myself, “who the hell wants a kinder, gentler Jager?” But, after enjoying a few shots (7…if you want to be a dick and get technical about it) of the new blend at 28 degrees fahrenheit, my concerns about the exact amount of alcohol that it contains seemed to diminish into thin air right along with all of my other usual and customary inhibitions. Plus, the fact that the new Jager doesn’t contain as much alcohol as the original makes it significantly more receptive to morally compromised coeds when they attempt to feed you that all too well known and rehearsed, “bad things happen when I drink Jager” excuse.

But, by far, the most exciting feature of the new Jager is the indubitable fact that it simply tastes absolutely delicious! Let’s be real. Any liquor that you could substitute for maple syrup and pair with a fat stack of pancakes is undeniably a true winner. Yes, the new Jager is a true pillar of perfection. So, the next time that you find yourself browsing through the isles of the liquor store searching for something new and exciting, you got this brah!

How To Hookup With Girls On Twitter

Alright brahs. Today, we’re going to be discussing how to hookup with randoms on Twitter. Day after day, week after week, I see all of these lackluster, bumbling tweets aimed at knocking down some good ol’ fashioned strange by brahs that actually seem to be pretty chill. Their problem is that they just have no clue how to go about accomplishing this delightful, little task. So, it doesn’t matter whether you’re into scene queens or the ratchetest hoes out there. I’m going to lay out some simple ground rules that’ll help you bang the crap out of every single one of your #WCWs from this point on.

But, before we begin, let me just take a moment to say this — if you’re not using Tweetdeck — start now! I’ll be honest, before I discovered Tweetdeck, I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing on Twitter either. I’d tweet the occasional tweet, read my timeline, and favorite or retweet something from time to time, but that was basically about it. It wasn’t until one of my good brahs told me to download this app that I really grasped the beauty of Twitter and how it actually works and connects you to different people. So, I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Get Tweetdeck! Got it? Good, now let’s get on with it.

So, here’s the thing. Girls on twitter are just like girls in real life…except way sluttier. Therefore, if you want to increase your chances of smashing a chick on Twitter, you want to find a girl who shares at least one common interest with you just like when you’re scouting for talent in real life. How do you do this? You simply search for something that you’re interested in or something that’s popular. For example, the Bachelorette is on television tonight. So, if you type “Bachelorette” in the search bar and hit enter, you’ll instantly see a bunch of desperate, bi-polar girls who are hungry for the D tweeting about the show. Then, from there, it’s just like being at school or in the bar. You simply select your first target, strike up a conversation, and it all goes from there. And, don’t actually use the Bachelorette, because that’s probably a pretty bad example. No girl’s going to let you tend to her lady garden if she thinks that you’re homosexual. But, you get the general idea.

Next, you need to hone in and focus your aim on randoms who are local or at least somewhat proximate to your geographic location. There’s no point in spending 15 minutes lathering up some slam piece only to find out that she lives someplace that’s 5 hours ahead of your time zone. I find that the easiest, most efficient way to do this is to concentrate your search criteria on schools, sporting events, and concerts. For example, if you live in Chicago and you know that Drake is playing there tonight, search for Drake. Bitches love Drake. And, it doesn’t matter if you’re not going to the concert. The point is that — by searching for Drake, who you know is in Chicago — you will automatically narrow most of your targets down to all of the skanky, stoner chicks who live in Chicago that are tweeting about Drake.

Last, but not least, take a moment to scan your target’s bio once you get a few tweets deep with her. Imagine how much play you’d get at work or in a club if every single clam box in the joint had her top two favorite interests stamped onto her forehead. Seriously, think about it. Yeah…well that’s what you have with Twitter.

So, there you have it brahs. Follow these simple tips and your DMs will be overflowing with nudes in no time. And, that’s what it’s all about…the DMs. First, come the favorites. Then, come the retweets. Next, you’re getting the replies. And, before you know it, you’ll be getting those coveted DMs. You got this, brah!

Lana Del Rey Releases Video For Her New Single, “West Coast”

My heart’s desire, Lana Del Rey, released her new video this week for her latest single, West Coast. And, as usual, it’s simply badass, so I figured that I’d plug it for her. Palm trees, cigarettes, late-night drives, fire, and a sultry red dress…there’s really no way that it could have gone wrong. But, check it out for yourself. You got this brah!