What Traits Should You Look For In A Girlfriend?

Anyone who knows me or has even bothered to read a few of my posts on this site surely knows that I have some rather novel and unique thoughts and ideas when it comes to girls, dating, and relationships. Some of these thoughts and ideas, I consider to be running rules of the universe which are set in stone for all of eternity. But, others — I have to admit — really just depend on my mood or demeanor at any given time. For instance, I typically tend to prefer blondes over brunettes. Blondes are fun, outgoing, adventurous, and they’re usually very generous lovers. However, this doesn’t mean that I’d automatically happy slap the first gorgeous, witty, and talented brunette that happens to come along my way.

So, it comes to me as no surprise that I recently received an email from a brah who evidently likes this site and was curious to hear what my idea of the perfect girlfriend would be. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have an answer readily available for him. But, his question did get me thinking. And, after a few days, I realized that I have absolutely no clue who or what would make the perfect girlfriend. After about another week of pondering this matter, I finally realized that, while I may still not have a definitive answer, this perplexing conundrum would probably make for either a really helpful post or — at the very least — a really entertaining one. So, without further restraint, here is a list that I randomly compiled of some of the traits, characteristics, and features that my ultimate, dream girl would necessarily possess…

  • She’d prefer a book over a movie;
  • She would open my beers for me;
  • She’d have a passport;
  • She would refrain from smoking cigarettes, cigars, and those ridiculous e-cigs;
  • She’d be a dog lover;
  • She would keep fit, but not be overly-obsessed with her diet or exercise routine;
  • She would have a rudimentary knowledge of automobiles;
  • She would be mildly proficient at playing at least one musical instrument;
  • She’d have a taste for old, classic, American films;
  • She would always chew with her mouth closed;
  • Her body fat percentage would not exceed 23 percent;
  • She would consider Die Hard a Christmas movie;
  • She’d have a unique timbre to her voice;
  • She’d prefer the symphony over a sporting event;
  • She wouldn’t ride a motorcycle, but she wouldn’t bitch about me riding one;
  • She’d know how to execute a passionate kiss without being a slut about it;
  • She’d leave work early to surprise me — not to check up on me;
  • She wouldn’t pretend to possess knowledge or information that she did not have;
  • She would think for herself;
  • She must stay up late with me at least a few nights a week and, by late, I mean 2, 3, or 4 in the morning;
  • She would prefer cold weather over warm weather;
  • She must hate the movie When Harry Met Sally;
  • She wouldn’t be more than 5 years older than me;
  • She’d take an Apple over a PC;
  • Under no circumstances would she have a Facebook account, unless is was strictly for a legitimate business purpose;
  • She’s have to still look hot even when her hair was in a scrunchie;
  • She must have a job;
  • She would never audibly fart in my presence or in public;
  • She must not be overly or aggressively judgmental;
  • She must smell good at all times;
  • She wouldn’t mind that I have tattoos, regardless of whether or not she had any;
  • While she would have a taste for all foods, she would especially love spanish and Mexican foods;
  • She would hate Justin Beiber;
  • She must have a dark side;
  • She’d prefer a late night walk as opposed to a nightclub, but she’d still be down for the occasional crazy night out;
  • She wouldn’t have any children;
  • She must be sarcastic;
  • She would not rely entirely upon me to support her;
  • She would prefer black bed sheets as opposed to white ones;
  • She must swallow;
  • Not only would she not have Snapchat, but she wouldn’t even know what it was;
  • She would not mind the private, inappropriate nickname that I would give to her;
  • She would appreciate art;
  • She’d have excellent driving skills;
  • She must know what BPM stands for;
  • She wouldn’t mind that I leave the stickers on my New Era caps;
  • She must appreciate a rainy day for the beauty that it is;
  • Her favorite season would be autumn;
  • She must find Penelope Cruz at least mildly attractive;
  • She must be able to tolerate even my most snarkiest friends and cohorts;
  • She would never stop surprising me;
  • She must be able to tell a story;
  • She’d want to sing along to 80’s and 90’s pop hits during long road trips;
  • She must not be afraid to fly or get retarded drunk at the airport;
  • Her first and last thoughts of the day would center around me;
  • She would not call me “daddy;”
  • She wouldn’t wear more than 5 pieces of jewelry at any given time;
  • She must refrain from taking selfies, unless another person appears along side her;
  • She must know what a WAV file is;
  • One of her favorite foods must be mashed potatoes;
  • She must not be from Arkansas;
  • She’d love her family but not allow them to exert an inordinate amount of control over her life;
  • She’d be able to win every single argument she became involved in, unless it was with me;
  • At Thanksgiving, she would make her stuffing with cornbread instead of white bread;
  • She must regard Lana Del Rey to be the songbird of her generation;
  • She’d have Sarah Jessica Parker’s scream;
  • Under no circumstances would she have participated in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge; and
  • She’d love Red Bull.
2 Comments… add one
RojerThat September 27, 2014, 10:16 pm


Anonymous September 28, 2014, 7:20 pm

I’d totally bone the pinup!


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