Brahs suck at selecting gifts for girls. It’s a universal fact. And, it doesn’t matter whether the gift is intended for a friend, girlfriend, sister, mother, probation officer, manager, or the random, hot chick that is in charge of the bagels at Panera Bread. Finding a gift for a female that she actually likes and appreciates is right on par with finding a hooker who has a really great personality. But, just as the human eye eventually adjusts to the dark over a period of time, I believe that — through several brutal trials and tribulations — I have discovered a few select, safe gifts that every girl is bound to appreciate in some form or fashion:
Handbags — No matter what condition that their current one is in, and no matter how many that they already have, girls always seem to appreciate another expensive handbag that they can use to clutter up their closets with.
Puppies — This one should be obvious. Girls love anything that is cute, cuddly, and provides them with an endless and unrivaled amount of love, affection, and admiration. However, one should be careful to note that when considering a puppy as a gift, you must take care to consider what all other pets that she may already have.
Yankee Candles — Bitches love Yankee Candles. They can’t get enough of them! Nothing screams happiness to a girl like the sweet, synthetic smell of Christmas cookies baking in the middle of July.
Diamonds — Depending upon your budget, you cannot go wrong with diamonds. No girl is going to complain that she received a diamond to celebrate her new promotion at the Build a Bear Workshop. And, even if she hates the cut of the diamond, she’ll still appreciate it anyways because she can totally flaunt it in front of all of her girlfriends in a wretched attempt to make all of them jealous for absolutely no reason at all.
Flowers — I’ve known several girls who’ve said that they hate flowers or that they consider them to be inconsequential. But, it’s always a lie! It’s strange, but for some reason or another, girls seem to think that it’s cool or trendy to hate flowers. Present them with a fresh bouquet, however, and all of a sudden you’d think that they were Super Mario and had just found a flower power-up!