106.1 Kiss FM recently released a post on their website entitled, “8 Rules For Dating Miley Cyrus.” You can read it here. Now, I’m not sure whether the post is accurate or not. Maybe, it’s just a spoof or meant to poke fun and the raunchy, little ball of misplaced sexual energy. But, either way, the post lays out Miley’s supposed rules for dating her, which include having to sign a confidentiality agreement, no cameras or phones (I actually tend to agree with this one…no matter who you’re dating), and strict limitations as to what topics are acceptable and prohibited.
Here’s my problem. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a pretty narcissistic and arrogant, little bastard myself. But, I don’t go around setting standards for people that I haven’t already imposed upon myself as well. Miley’s a total mess! Of course, I don’t know her personally. I’ve never met her. But, every time that I see her or hear about her, she’s twerking on some small child at a McDonald’s playground or licking power tools in the middle of Home Depot.
I’m not saying that Miley isn’t a loving, caring person or someone who wouldn’t be a total blast to take to KFC for a bucket of fried chicken. I’m just saying that Miley is the one who would necessarily require a strict set of rules, boundaries, and limitations before she could ever be considered dating material. So, I’ve spent a good 5 minutes, and I think that I’ve come up with a pretty solid set of 8 rules that Miley would have to agree to be bound by before rolling out with me for a night on the town.
1. First thing’s first. Absolutely, under no circumstances, are you allowed to twerk, Miley. I don’t want the valet guys and servers abandoning their posts and running for the hills for fear of being sexually assaulted and humiliated in public as soon as we arrive on scene.
2. Your tongue must remain in either your mouth or my mouth at all times throughout the course of our date. I don’t even care if you have a small smear of mustard on your lip. On our date, you’ll be using a napkin and acting like a lady.
3. No onesies or leotards. If you’re going to accompany me on a date, your ensemble shall consist of two pieces: a top and a bottom.
4. You are absolutely prohibited from operating any motor-propelled aircrafts, boats, automobiles, or any other 2 or 4 wheeled vehicles.
5. You must chew with your mouth closed, Miley.
6. You are restricted to 1 drink per hour, and your blood-alcohol concentration must not exceed more than 0.12 at any given time while on the date.
7. Any discussions pertaining to your music, acting, or performances are strictly prohibited.
8. Any trips that you take to the ladies’ room must include washing your hands with soap.
So, there you have it, Miley. Hit me up!