Sometimes, an argument will come up between a brah and I about the most effective way to smash out girls on Facebook or, alternatively, the most effective way to burn a thirsty female who relentlessly insists on posting selfies all over your feed in the desperate and hopeless attempt to fill her tired, broken-down, and tarnished soul. And, while these two issues may initially appear to be sort of one in the same, I truly feel that each one is significant enough to stand on its own and to warrant its own exclusive discussion. So, for now, we’ll put aside banging out every single chick on Facebook who has listed her relationship status as “it’s complicated,” and we’ll just focus on the slut who you knew back in your freshman year at college who is now in a committed relationship with some poor fool who isn’t even the father of the 2 children that she’s popped out during the last couple of years.
Now, you may be a little confused. But, I assure you that these girls are in your life, and you probably know them much more intimately than you’d like to. They’re the girls on your Facebook feed and Twitter timeline who so willfully and purposefully neglect their regular duties as wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, and friends only to ensure the fact that they’ll have sufficient time to prim and primp as they relentlessly post countless sad, pitiful, and nauseating seflies every single chance that they get. Anyone who has 527 profile pics is an insecure, whorebag. Plain and simple. But, the dead giveaway will always be her comments section where you’ll invariably find 3-15 comments from old, creepy dudes who have cleverly responded with compliments such as “gorgeous” and “beautiful.” And, strange as it may seem, these comments are really what fuels their behavior and gets these puckered-up girls all revved up and ready to go. Their lives would have absolutely no meaning whatsoever if it wasn’t for the guy who works at Jiffy-Lube friending them and commenting on all of their recent selfies with “dam gurl ur fine az hell.”
So, what’s the most effective way to shut these girls’ game down and free up some valuable real estate on your feeds and timelines? It’s surprisingly simply, actually. You just embarrass the hell out of them! For instance, post a comment on their most recent selfie and, instead of focusing on what they’re wanting you to focus on, point out the fact that their armpit sags or that you can see their fat, stubby arm and out-dated smartphone in the reflection of their fake, designer sunglasses. It really isn’t as difficult as it initially sounds. You’d be surprised to see what a dismal mess these girls truly are once you get past their push-up bras, hair extensions, and Instagram filters. And, getting back to what I was saying before, the unintended, collateral consequence of ripping into these silly girls — other than the fact that they’ll exercise more care, control, and restraint before posting their selfies in grandma’s spare bathroom — is the fact that they’ll inevitably end up wanting to clam-bang you in order to substantiate and reinforce their desirability. So, the next time that you get flooded with thirsty selfies, you got this brah!