Why Every Brah Should Know A Thing Or Two About Cars

The automobile. It’s one of the few possessions that nearly everybody on the freakin’ planet owns and, yet, hardly anybody knows anything about. Think about it for a moment. You’re driving to your weekly coed softball game to watch all the hot girls’ boobs jiggle around while you drunkenly feign excitement about actually playing softball when you notice that you’re getting a strange, metallic whirling noise coming from the front passenger-side wheel of your Nissan Maxima. You don’t hear it so much as lower speeds, but the noise definitely becomes more pronounced and horrific the faster that you drive.

Now, 98% of the human population would naturally just drive around for 2 more months with absolutely no concern for the noise whatsoever before taking the vehicle in to a repair shop to shell out their hard-earned loot for diagnostics, parts, service, shop labor, and repairs. But, you are not 98% of the population. No. You are a brah. So, you already know that you have a wheel bearing that’s going out and needs to be replaced. Furthermore, since the wheel bearing is pressed directly into the vehicle’s hub, you’re also prepared to replace the hub, if needed. Sound familiar?

Like all of us, there was a time when I didn’t know diddly-squat about cars, trucks, or anything else that had an engine. I was 16, and I had just locked down my first real, semi-serious girlfriend. I had met her parents a few times before and, while they didn’t necessarily throw out the red carpet for me, they seemed to tolerate me at what I considered to be a somewhat friendly and hospital temperament. However, I remember one day my girl’s 1994 Toyota Camry started making a peculiar noise that seemed to be coming from underneath the hood as we were driving over to her and her parents’ house. Of course, neither one of us had any clue what the source of the noise was. So, once we arrived at her house, she mentioned the noise to her father. He immediately sprung out of his recliner, jumped into action, and asked if either of us had checked the vehicle’s engine oil level. Without a moment’s notice, my girl instinctively throws me under the big, yellow bus and resolves herself of any and all responsibility associated with this simple, mundane task. Cornered, beaten, and broken, I man up and admit that I have just about as good of a chance at finding the vehicle’s dip stick as I do his daughter’s clitoris (not really). As he shakes his head in complete and utter disgust, my girl’s father walks out to the driveway, pops the hood, immediately locates the vehicle’s dip stick, and check’s my girl’s oil level without breaking his hateful stare at me for even one, single, solitary second. As it turns out, her Camry was nearly 2 quarts low on oil…half of the vehicle’s total engine capacity!

That was then, but this is now. And, knowing what I know now, I would have been just as disappointed in myself as my girl’s father was that fateful day because a brah should know a thing or two about automobiles. Not only does it earn you respect, but it saves you money, it influences prospective automotive purchases, and it clearly distinguishes you as a solid, stand-up brah! Plus, it gets you laid! So, get yourself together, and get educated when it comes to cars, trucks, and other stuff that goes vroom! You won’t regret it. You got this brah!

5 Comments… add one
ThatKID December 18, 2013, 10:23 am

If you pay someone to work on your car you are an idiot.

AZSUX December 18, 2013, 5:44 pm

Get into the zone bro!

Lavinia December 22, 2016, 11:29 am

Going to put this arcilte to good use now.

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I’m still pretty sure that they’re punishing Jackson Rathbone for losing his script.As for Peter Facinelli, I dunno, maybe he was just too likable and the production people realised they needed some Jacob-style character asssasination. But nothing can destroy Carlisle, so they just settled for replacing him with a giant animated doll.


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