How To Take A Selfie

The selfie started out as an affectionate, unadorned gesture that one individual would share with another who they were engaged in an intimate relationship with. Yes, approximately ten years ago, the selfie was actually considered to be sweet, serene, and sincere. But, today the selfie is just like HPV. No matter how cautious you are and how much you try to defend against it, it’s a constant threat that will undoubtedly get the best of you at one point or another during your adult life. Whether you’re texting a new coworker, scrolling your timeline on Twitter, or browsing your Facebook page, there’s no denying the fact that the selfie is a real and every-so-vigilant threat that cannot simply be ignored or derailed in today’s society.

And, as if the selfie wasn’t bad enough in and of itself, it seems as though everybody has gotten sloppy with them nowadays. Just the other night, Hunter Moore was dominating Twitter as he usually does, and my timeline was being flooded with the nation’s randoms who were tweeting him their selfies in a desperate attempt to add balance and meaning to their feeble, little lives. As I was scrolling through my timeline, a good brah of mine who had just arrived to bullshit and drink a bit happened to catch a glimpse of one of the randoms’ selfies on my timeline. Half-heartedly, he leaned over and inquired into who the random was, naturally assuming that I knew her and that the selfie was aimed directly at me since it was being prominently displayed on my 27 inch LED monitor. But, as my brah was totally getting into her, I couldn’t help but to temporarily put aside the fact that she was mildly wretched to begin with and, instead,  focus on her messy room, unkept bed, demolished bathroom, stained clothing, and overall sloppy attention to detail. After pointing these issues out to my brah, it didn’t take long at all for us to become hopelessly deadlocked in a heated debate about whether or not the composition of a selfie — alone — can single-handedly defeat its entire purpose. I mean, a selfie should be taken with pride, right? Because, isn’t the whole point of a selfie to either get laid or get strangers to arbitrarily purchase material possessions for you?

Therefore, I’m going to rattle off a few intrinsic ground rules for taking selfies. Now, before we go any further, let me just put this right out there — real brahs shouldn’t be taking selfies to begin with. Selfies are strictly for young, inexperienced college girls who have yet to find a role model in life and burnt out, middle aged women who’s moral fortitude has been incrementally broken down over the years as a result of watching their youth and beauty hopelessly dwindle away. The only time a true brah should even contemplate taking/sending a selfie is when a potential slam-piece has specifically requested one. So,without regard for the subject’s gender, here are a few innate rules for taking a selfie…

  • A selfie should be just what its name implicates — a picture of yourself! You shouldn’t be able to see your morbidly obese roommate sitting on the couch behind you while he or she attempts to stuff an entire Beefy Nacho Griller down their throat. Also, the selfie is not the correct forum to include your two besties in. What’s the point of a selfie if you can’t even be singled out and identified? And, certainly — under absolutely no circumstances — should you ever be able to see any children in the composition. Nothing kills the essence of a selfie faster than a scruffy and sticky little fuck-trophy scurrying around your proximity while you attempt to appear hot, sexy, and desirable.
  • Your phone should not be visible in your selfie. It’s essentially 2014. Any decent smartphone has a built in app where you can crop and apply effects to your selfie right from the palm of your hand. Still, if all else fails, use Photoshop for Christ’s sake. Few things damage the credibility of a selfie faster than seeing your 2 year old iPhone 4s that still runs iOS6 stuck prominently over half of your face.
  • Moderation is key. Quality is significantly greater than quantity. Part of the allure of a selfie is in its sparse and careful execution. Your target audience’s anticipation and admiration of your selfies will surely plummet the more frequent and readily available that they become, as the two share a measurable and direct inverse relationship with each other. Don’t trust me? Just ask any of Scarlet Bouvier’s followers.
  • All of the trivial crap that you learned in your 10th grade art class about the elements of design was completely inconsequential…until now! Make no mistake, line, shape, color, texture, tone, form, space, and depth all play an intregal role in the well-executed selfie. You certainly don’t want your glen plaid Vans pullover to clash with your grandma’s neoclassical bathroom wallpaper as you desperately attempt to suck in your stomach and maintain an image of comfort and relaxation.
  • Don’t ever look at your phone while shooting your selfie. While it’s only natural to focus on the display while arranging the layout of your ever-so-covenanted selfie, to actually render and produce it while still apathetically zeroed in on your smartphone is just as basic as it gets. And, you don’t want to be basic.
  • Smile! It seems as though everyone tries to exude an aurora of confidence and badass-ism when taking their selfies by snarling, frowning, or making pouty-faces. But, you’re not kidding anyone for even one moment. I mean, you’re taking a goddamned selfie. This simple fact, alone, unequivocally illustrates the fact that you are, beyond any reasonable doubt, not badass in any way, shape, form, or manner! So, get over yourself, and at least pretend to appear fun, energetic, and happy.

So, there you have it. By no means is this post meant to encompass a comprehensive list of procedures for taking a selfie. But, it’s certainly a start. And, if attention-starved individuals would just slow down and take a moment to consider these ground rules and adequately reflect upon them before haphazardly hammering off a barrage of selfies, the world would be a much better place. So, the next time that you feel the need to bust out a selfie, you got this brah!

3 Comments… add one
ESK-L-8TR December 29, 2013, 2:06 pm

This Kid is definitely not a brah.

AO December 31, 2013, 5:29 pm

Kid looks lesbo for sure.

JustNo March 19, 2014, 7:35 am

Kid has an AQUA phone case. AQUA!!!


Got Something to Say Brah?

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