Relationships can sometimes be a great thing. Often times, they provide a person with a sense of love, comfort, support, and stability. Unfortunately, as you may very well know, they’re also totally and completely boring, brah.
Sure, relationships start off great. In the beginning, you and your girl wake up at noon, smash each other, head out to the Olive Garden for some soup and breadsticks, high-tail it back home, bang again, watch Knight Rider, pass out for a few hours, wake up, go at it again, and then round a glorious and successful day off with a quick trip through Taco Bell before heading down to Main Street for a night on the town together filled full of drinking, dancing, partying, and uninhibited sex. Sounds awesome, doesn’t it?
Well, fast forward a few months. Work days are now your favorite days because, on your days off, you are perpetually obligated to spend each one attached to your now slightly overweight girlfriend’s hip. The last day that you had off, your girl abruptly woke you up a little past 9:00am all pissed off that your weren’t ready to hit up the mall so that you could help her scour Bath & Body Works for the perfect scented candle to give to her snooty, big sister at her baby shower next Saturday which, by the way, you’re definitely going to. Not to mention the fact that you haven’t seen Michael and KITT battle the world of criminals who operate above the law in weeks. However, you are keenly aware of who advanced to the next round of American Idol last night. Furthermore, even though you haven’t had a single drink for the past six weeks, you can’t even begin to recall when the last time you got some play was. But, you don’t even really care because your girl’s become a hot mess anyways. This all sounds familiar right, brah? Yeah, it sucks. Trust me, I know!
But, relationships don’t have to be as lame as girls try to make them out to be. You just need to find the right type of relationship for you that fits your lifestyle. Introducing…the infamous long distance relationship. Long distance relationships have gotten a bad wrap in the past, and they continue to get a bad wrap. But, allow me to dial you brahs in on a little secret. The reason that long distance relationships inevitably get a bad wrap is because they essentially preempt your significant other from exerting complete and utter control over every minute aspect of your life.
Let me put it like this. A long distance relationship allows you to enjoy and experience all of the positive aspects of being in a relationship while simultaneously allowing you to side-step all of the bullshit that comes along with your everyday run-of-the-mill relationship. In a way, you can think of a normal relationship like jail, and you can think of a long distance relationship more like being on community supervision or probation.
In a normal relationship, much like jail, you are constantly confined and your every thought and action is systematically scrutinized at every turn. Your hope and spirit are broken down incrementally until the only relief remaining in sight is the end of the relationship or death itself. However, in a long distance relationship, you often times manage to retain a great deal of your freedom just like when you’re on probation. And, on a day-to-day basis, you’re free to go wherever you want, see whoever you want, and do whatever you want, so long as you play it smart and maintain discipline.
For example, let’s say you love to kick it and smoke a bit of weed with your brahs every once in a while whenever the mood happens to strike you. Now, if you’re in jail, then you’re just straight-up, shit out of luck. You’re on total lockdown, just as you are when you’re in a normal relationship and suddenly feel the compelling need to knock out the random who recently DM’d you on Twitter. But, if you’re on probation, you damn well know that the only time you’re going to be up against a drug test is at your monthly check-in. Therefore, you hit up your check-in, rock it and, once it’s over and done, you immediately hit the bong strong for a week straight leaving you adequate time to purge before your next check-in. Well, same thing with a long distance relationship. You’re free to do whatever or whoever the hell you please as long as you can regain your composure and come in clean just in time for your girl’s spring break.
And, that’s not the half of it. Maintaining a long distance relationship practically ensures the fact that you’ll be taking a minimum of four vacations per year. Whenever the stress in your life begins to pile up and push you back into a dark and desolate corner, you can simply call up your girl and boom…the next thing that you know…you’re chillin’ in Las Vegas or Chicago for a week straight tearing her up morning, day, and night.
Yes. Long distance relationships will allow you to experience the finer things in life at a rate that is practical and manageable. And, if all else fails, a long distance relationship provides, at the very least, a fail-safe slam piece while you creep up on randoms in your own area. And, that’s key, brah. So, the next time that you meet a girl who’s about to move to San Diego to pursue her dream of going to college, graduating, and owning her very own food cart, just remember…you got this brah!