Douchebags. They’ve been around forever, since damn near the beginning of time. In the 80’s, it was the tan beach-nut wearing Ocean Pacific. In the 90’s, it was the slicked-back jock sporting Marithe & Francois Girbaud. Then, Ed Hardy and Affliction hit the scene hard in the early 2000’s and changed the game for all of time. Yes, today, the average douche can be spotted shopping at Wal-Mart, filling up at 7-Eleven, and painstakingly checking out his abs in the mirror at the local 24 Hour Fitness. He has a backwards hat with the stickers still on it, neon-colored sunglasses, and just enough Winstrol coursing through his veins to offset the 12 pack of Miller Light that he downed at the Candle Room last night.
Now, we all know that douchebags have their fair share of haters. I mean, practically nobody likes douchbags. But, for real, while most of us have learned to just accept them for who they are and live with their vain and pompous ways, there are generally two segments of society in particular who have not: girls and skinny dweebs who still play Magic the Gathering. And, while most of you who are reading this blog are probably hardcore brahs, just as I am, we can now all take comfort in the fact that there is a new breed of douche that has been born and ushered into the world…the She-Douche!
Now, the She-Douche has just recently emerged over the past 5 years. But, I’m sure you know her all too well. She is the girl who wears over-sized, designer sunglasses wherever she goes and constantly has a “skinny” Starbucks drink glued to her freshly manicured hand. In addition, the She-Douche carries an enormous designer handbag and drives an entry level BMW or Mercedes. And, most likely, she’s currently enrolled in beauty school and supplements her income by “modeling,” aka…spamming her nudes all over Twitter. Her life completely revolves around her Instagram account, and she constantly posts “behind the scenes” photos of herself looking and acting like a total slut. If you need further confirmation, she’s probably friends with @ScarletBouvier.
Now, before we allow our opinions and judgments to run rampant, let me just take a moment to expressly point out the fact that the She-Douche is not a girl to be hated or trifled upon. No, not at all. Rather, the She-Douche is the necessary female counterpart to the all-too-well-known male douchebag who has infamously been wrecking havoc upon society and all the major cities’ nightlife scene for the past several years. In fact, us brahs should only be ever-so-grateful for the illustrious and enchanted She-Douche, as she is the next logical and necessary link in the degeneration of society. You got this brah!