I believe that everyone has run into this situation at some point during their lives. My first time? It was a slim, sexy, blonde chick at the gym with piercing green eyes as green as a fresh bud of fruity pebbles just waiting to be blazed up and smoked. From our very first introduction, she relentlessly flirted with me. She flirted with me like she knew that Skynet was about to strike back against the human race and initiate Judgment Day in less than 24 hours! So, naturally, I ended up trying to bang her a short time after meeting her. It was only then that she informed me that she was still a virgin. And, please keep in mind that this slam piece was already pushing 22 or 23 years of age at the time.
Now, before we go any further, let’s not forget that virginity is defined as the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. Like chastity, the concept of virginity has traditionally involved sexual abstinence before marriage. Then, after marriage, a person is to engage in sexual acts only with one’s spouse. Additionally, the concept of virginity usually involves moral or religious issues, and it can have consequences in terms of social status and in interpersonal relationships. So, if you’re like me (and you probably are), you essentially think of a virgin as being an uptight, prissy, little bitch whose view of reality and how the world actually works is completely and hopelessly distorted. Not to mention the fact that she’s most likely enamoured with the movie Twilight.
So, since this was the first time that I had a twenty-something virgin on my hands, I was intrigued. Therefore, I decided to double down and stick it out with my virgin. Two or three weeks went by, and I still remember the moment vividly and with complete clarity. We were sitting at a booth in the bar of Bennigan’s, and I was questioning her about the who (well…not really the who), what, when, where, and how of her managing to remain a virgin for so long while still being completely poundable and drop-dead hot.
That’s when it happened. The slip. The repugnant truth. I was dealing with a “vaginal virgin.” Through my questioning, I learned that little, miss “I’m waiting for marriage” had been crowned the blowjob queen by her peers during her freshmen year in high school. Outside of the fact that I was neatly hammered off of my ass from a slew of Redbull & Vodkas, it was a shock akin to the scene in the film Clerks where Dante learned that his girlfriend had sucked 37 dicks. But it didn’t stop there. As if that news wasn’t shocking enough, it seems as though my innocent, little virgin had honed and developed her skill set even further by taking it up the booty countless times from a plethora of random dudes during her later high school days and college years.
But, never fear. In her warped and depraved, little mind, her virginity was still intact and her moral and religious values were safe and sound. She considered none of this type of behavior as “sex.” Blowjobs, butt-sex, handjobs, were all totally appropriate. But, God forbid a penis should even remotely come into physical contact with her sanctified vagina! Now, I’m sure everyone has their own opinions. But, to me, this girl was not a virgin. In fact, she was so far past being a virgin that I couldn’t even maintain enough interest in her to follow through with my plan and scuff her up. She was simply just another skanky girl with an extraordinary set of daddy issues. So, the next time a girl over the age of 17 claims to be a virgin, you got this brah!