No matter how much you hate Facebook, and no matter how pathetic you may find the people whose lives revolve around it, chances are you still have an account. And, in all honestly, you probably should. How else would your grandmother learn that you graduated with honors? How else would your stepmother know to inform your father that you landed the promotion that you had been gunning for at work? And, how else would your ex girlfriend learn that you banged the hell out of her roommate in the Pacugio’s parking lot last night? On top of that, perhaps you use Facebook to help advertise and promote your business or hobby.
But, do you really give a crap what the guy who was in your race club eight years ago and drove the Integra Type R did last weekend? Probably not. Does the fact that Chick-fil-A screwed up the hot, tipsy girl’s breakfast who you met a few years back at one of your brah’s parties really affect you? Hell no.
Chances are, your Facebook friend list is currently overflowing with people who you either don’t remember or couldn’t give even a portion of a damn about. Therefore, grab yourself a six pack, crack open a cold one, and read on to learn five different types of friends you can immediately bump off of your friend list without even an inkling of consideration.
1. The Girl Who Accidentally Got Knocked Up: This is the empowered, single mother who constantly posts up pics of her and her child/children. Every damn time she takes her bang trophy to Peter Piper’s Pizza, she makes sure to let everyone on Facebook know about it. You know this girl because, in all likelihood, you’ve banged her out several times before. This is the same girl that, back in the day, you’d take her to Bennigan’s and, after 2 miller lights and 30 minutes, she’d be desperately trying to slam every guy in sight. And, she looks down on you now because you’re still partying every single weekend (and week night), and you’re life is just so “empty and meaningless.” However, she won’t pull the trigger and unfriend you because she knows damn well that you still have the video from that night in the hot tub with your brahs when she earned the nickname Snorkel.
2. The Friend Who Regularly Posts Pics Of Food: This is the slightly over-weight friend who can’t take down a single meal without posting it up for everyone to admire. Whether it’s photographic proof of his or her healthy eating habits or simply an attempt to show off what an extravagant meal a friend or date has ever so foolishly purchased for them, you’ve had enough. You’ve seen freshly prepared grilled chicken and asparagus plenty of times before, and your friend who is “eating clean” (this week) is straight up fat. Unfriend, and let it be the end.
3. The Ex-Coworker Who Posts Nothing But Bible Verses: This friend’s life is in a complete and utter shambles, and it’s all his or her’s fault. And, in a pathetic attempt to displace the blame, your friend has found God. But, not really. By becoming religious, your friend’s overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame are alleviated because he or she can now blame baby Jesus for all of his or her shortcomings. Essentially, this friend is your typical, hypocritical religious person. They spout off all this crap about Bible verses on Facebook while, in real life, he or she is a complete and utter dick to every person that they encounter.
4. The Guy Who Is Always Counting Down: This is the douche who thinks that everyone is idolizing him because he’s going to Las Vegas in 43 days. Brah, winners don’t roll count downs until their trips to Vegas. They just go! The fact that you remind us every couple of days that your life will have meaning in 26 days only demonstrates the dismal and meaningless nature of your life at any particular time on any given day of the year.
5. The Depressed Girl Who Constantly Writes Vague Posts Begging For Attention: This one’s the worst. You must unfriend her immediately. She posts crap like, “Frustrated doesn’t quite cover it. I’ve got a lot of big decisions to make. Decisions I’ve been putting off hoping they would take care of themselves. Obviously that’s not going to happen. Stressed.” Her only comfort in life is publicly complaining about negative issues and concerns that only exist because she doesn’t have the courage to go out and attempt to fix them. She’s deathly afraid of failure, and her fear is the very thing that causes her to fail. While her bleak and ambiguous posts may wildly amuse you at times, it’s wise to just ditch the b*tch before you lose all self-control and respond to one of her posts by telling her what a feeble, self-absorbed loser she is.