Operation: Bear Plump

Recently, one of my best brahs ended up getting sick so, in a desperate attempt to aid his recovery, he decided to take the day off from work, stay at home, and chill on the couch while watching a bit of television. All of a sudden, I receive a text message from him talking about how there’s some show called “The Doctors,” and how they’re running a story which details a recent epidemic that is threatening the health and safety of children all across the nation. Evidently, children are taking gummy bears, soaking them in vodka, waiting for the bears to “plump,” and then either consuming the plumped bears themselves or distributing them to other children at school.

Now, I realize that most people in their mid-twenties and thirties who are in committed relationships and who have children are probably hearing about this for the first time and thinking to themselves how scary and awful this is. Me? I’m barely half-way through reading the text message, and all I’m thinking is, “I have to try this. This sounds awesome!” And, low and behold, by the time I finish reading the text message, my brah has already ever so sordidly expressed his complete and total agreement with me. Here’s a pic of the text message.

So, what do I do? I immediately have my girl run out and purchase several packs of gummy bears, of course! I already had the vodka. This ingenious, little operation, however, takes a few days to fully execute. Therefore, I had to anxiously wait awhile before I could indulge in these unsavory treats. And, I know this isn’t an entirely new concept to everyone out there. But, it’s new to me. And, I’m always down to find new and innovative ways to get hammered and have a little fun in the process. So, for those of you who haven’t had the opportunity to plump your bears yet, I’ve provided a brief description of the delicate process below.

First, you’re going to need to grab your favorite vodka and some gummy bears. Myself, I’m partial to Stoli’s original vodka and Haribo’s Gold Bears Gummi Candy. But, experiment, brahs. Find whatever works best for you. Next, get a decently-sized glass bowl you’d use for cooking macaroni, storing leftovers, or baking bread or something and place the bears into the bowl so that you have enough room to completely cover and soak them in vodka. Also, I’d try to use a glass bowl that has a lid. Then, carefully pour the vodka into the bowl so that each and every bear is fully covered. Next, place the lid on the bowl and store the bears in your fridge to allow them sufficient time to plump to their full capacity. This process may take anywhere from 48 hours to five days. Traditional wisdom dictates that the longer the bears plump, the better the bears. Also, you’ll want to take care to stir the bears every 24 hours or so to prevent the bears from sticking to one another. Finally, after the bears have completed the plumping process, you’ll want to drain any remaining vodka from the bowl. That’s it, brah!

So, next time you plan on hitting up a movie, amusement park, or just feel like adding a little variety to your method of getting hammered, just remember…you got this brah!

6 Comments… add one
3rd grader June 4, 2013, 4:32 pm

dude this stuff has been around forever

lil mis tossed June 4, 2013, 9:10 pm

is this a bathroom reference? if so…

VODKO KINXXX June 4, 2013, 10:09 pm


Tha Plumpa June 5, 2013, 4:07 pm

My bears are plumping right now!

Mr. Jay Bay June 19, 2013, 7:26 pm

Gummy bears always get me in the mood!

Tripple XXX King June 23, 2013, 7:50 pm

Sell it!


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