I hate selfies. I rarely take selfies. In fact, the only time that you’ll probably find me taking a selfie or being featured in an Instagram video is… Nevermind, I can’t think of a single reason for taking a selfie. Make no mistake. Selfies are the devil. But, I am a brah. So, these feelings are only natural. Females, on the other hand, are a whole different story. Females love selfies. Most females probably plan at least half of their day around taking, editing, and posting selfies. In fact, I’d even venture to say that about 98.2 percent of females structure and define their entire sense of self-worth strictly based off of how their friends, family, and random followers respond and react to their selfies and various social media accounts.
We all know these girls. They are our sisters. They are our classmates. They’re our coworkers. And, while it may seem repulsive, morally repugnant, and downright demeaning, many of us may even be unfortunate enough for them to end up being our girlfriends from time to time. Yes, they’re snapping their selfies during our birthday celebration dinners with our families. They’re posting themselves on Instagram as we walk across the stage at our graduation ceremonies. They’re frantically trying to auto-focus and adjust the flash during our employer’s promotional product roll-out. Hell, they can’t even seem to manage to make a simple pot of coffee in the morning without engaging in a barrage of sad, profitless selfies.
Now, we…as brahs and gentlemen alike…sometimes begrudgingly accept this type of behavior from these insta-famous lunatics simply because they’re almost always smoking hot. But, there is one sure sign that there is serious trouble brewing underneath all of their excess concealer, glitter, and hair product: a sudden and severe case of camera shyness whenever you happen to be around!
I once dated a girl for nearly 6 months, and she was constantly and feverishly taking endless amounts of the same, tired, old selfie the entire time that we were together. She didn’t work. She didn’t attend school. Nor, did she aspire to do anything else meaningful or even remotely productive with her life. No. She simply woke up, exercised, cleaned up, took selfies, edited them, and posted them online while taking extra special care to send each and every single one of them to me and God only knows who else. Needless to say, I had an entire 10 gigabyte memory card dedicated solely to storing all of her selfies that she had sent to me while we were dating. It wasn’t until we finally broke up, that I realized that I didn’t have a single, solitary picture of the two of us together. Not one!
And, this wasn’t simply a result of the opportunity having never presented itself. No, there were several concrete instances that I could specifically recall when our relationship could have been visually documented. However, this never happened because she would always out-and-out refuse to have her picture taken with me. She always had some subtle, overriding excuse as to why she could not allow herself to be photographed. She had just woken up. Her hair wasn’t just right. The skirt that she was wearing made her kneecaps look fat. It was always some bullshit!
The point, is that I didn’t care if she had just woken up or if her knees looked fat. I didn’t want a picture of the two of us so that I could post it on Instagram in some complicated, elegant scheme to entice random strangers to follow me. I simply wanted a picture of my girlfriend to privately commemorate a time that we spent together when I was reasonably happy. So, the next time that you find yourself with your girlfriend giving you absolute hell over having her picture taken with you in front of the shark tank inside of Caesar’s Palace while on your vacation, you got this brah!